Friday, December 17, 2010

Opening December 17, 2010


Tron: Legacy

Disney finally catches up with Nintendo and releases the Tron Version of Super Mario Bros. 2



Casey's Take:  All the teenagers making out in the theater when you watch this film are on Ecstasy and thought they were going to a 3D Daft Punk concert . . . laugh at them . . .




Yogi Bear

Yogi and Boo-Boo embark on an adventure of epic proportions, which apparently means stealing a campsite and polluting a river.



Casey's Take:  Let the awful 3D Hanna Barbera remakes commence now that Jack Hanna and Joseph Barbera are dead. Next up.  Snagglepuss 3D:  A Night on Fire Island


How Do You Know

A group of white people deal with their problems.


Casey's Take:  All the old people making out in the theater during this movie are on Ecstasy and think their kids are gonna be at a  . .  whatchamacallit "Deaf Funk" concert until midnight so there is plenty of time left on the 36 hour Cialis countdown.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Go See SKYLINE - Opening 11.12.10


Skyline

A movie written by Casey's good friend Joshua Cordes . . . .so you better go see it!


Casey's Take;  Probably the best thing to ever happen to you . . .ever. Go See SKYLINE!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Opening October 22, 2010


Paranormal Activity 2

Some well to do yuppies with a baby and a couple of dogs (no less!) are terrorized by an invisible force . . . at night.


Casey's Take:  I'm gonna make a movie.  It's going to be call Weird Noises Downstairs . . .   It's going to be about a couple who watched Paranormal Activity too many times, and didn't realize that instead of ghosts and demons running around, they were just being robbed.


Hereafter

A surprisingly PhotoShopped Matt Damon is a psychic who struggles with being able to communicate with the dead.  Since it's soooo tough knowing what everyone in the world wants to know.


Casey's Take:  So this is what happens to you after the thing in Paranormal Activity finally gets you . . you get to kick it with Matt Damon for eternity.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Opening October 15, 2010

JackAss - 3D



Casey's Take:  Probably gonna be some 3D penis in this movie . . . .

NoWhere Boy



Casey's Take:  Your girl will go with you to JackAss if you pay for this movie first.

RED



Casey's Take:  Capable Older people are always cute and hilarious.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Opening Friday September 24, 2010


Wall Street:  Money Never Sleeps

Gordon Gekko returns from years of exile to take back the streets of New York . . . . Gekko style.


Casey's Take:  Just like the Fast and the Furious, to men who obviously love each other, release sexual tension through silly games involving money, fast vehicles, and power while the supposed objects of their affections (who are only in the movie to assert their heterosexuality), watch helplessly as their men circle jerk themselves to failure.

Est. Projection - $30 million


The Virginity Hit

A Nerd documents his Nerd friend attempt to lose his virginity.


Casey's Take:  Now that the American Pie Generation is old, the YouTube generation gives a crack at defining how tough it is for kids to "do it" . . . and no one still cares.

Est. Projection $11 million


Legends of the Guardians:  The Owls of Ga Roole

Owls do some shit with magic and armor and talk . . .


Casey's Take:  Oh, the team from "Happy Feet" made this movie?  That's like saying the team from Cleveland made a movie.  No one cares.  However the movie does look amazing.

Est. Projection  $45 million

You may have noticed I put projections after Casey's Take.  This is my prediction of how much a movie will make it's first weekend.  Feel free to make your own predictions in the comments.



Friday, September 17, 2010

Opening Friday Sept. 17, 2010



Devil

A group of random strangers are targeted by the Devil since everything happens for a reason . . ..




Casey's Take:  Since this is from the mind of M Night "Holy Shit is he worse than everyone thought" Shamayalan (sp?) it's probably terrible, but you never know, it looks intriguing.  My money is on the black guy.  Also, did you know that weird looking Indian Guy is married to Christina Hendricks?!?



I'd guess I'd agree to be in a M Night production if I was distracted by these every morning.  



He's probably the dumbest man alive . . . .  I wouldn't get anything done around those . . . I hope they have a maid. . . 



Friday, September 10, 2010

Opening September 10, 2010


Resident Evil:  Afterlife 3D

Milla Jovovich returns as Alice (a character NOT in the games), to kill the zombie horde once and for all . . . .


Casey's Take:  If there is one thing that will make Milla Jovovich an actress who is taken seriously besides zombies, monsters, kung-fu, guns, bullets, swords, cool computers, boobies, matrix-style flips, many other bad actors, Chris Tucker, and her husband Luc Besson, is a third dimension . . . . .of terror.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Opened Wednesday September 1, 2010



The American

An American assassin retreats to rural Italy for one last job . . . .


Casey's Take:  Taking any excuse to stay in Italy and chase babes half his age, Clooney hooks up with an acclaimed director to appear as if he just doesn't dial it in anymore.  


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Opening August 27, 2010


Hey Casey's Movie Crew members . . . quite a bit of crap comin in hot to end the summer movie season.  Um . . .I guess enjoy it?  I would take the next couple of weeks to catch up on stuff you missed.

Anyways. . . here's the crap before the Fall Movie Season Starts next week with George Clooney in "The American"


The Last Exorcism

A fake priest encounters a real life demon while performing an exorcism in this thrilling mockumentary.


Casey's Take:  Hopefully this IS the last exorcism movie to come out for awhile . . .jeez.  I want to see a 45-year old black man get exorcised at least once, cause outside of that, if you're not a 13-19 year old Catholic white female . . . this shit won't scare you. 




Aashayein

A Bollywood flick about this guy named Aashayein who apparently is AMAZING.


Casey's Take:  So Aashayein is Indiana Jones, Powder, Smallville and Vicki Cristina Barcelona all in one mess of a musical movie.  Fantastic!  To prove my point here are some of the other posters for this film




I rest my case.






Centurion

A roman legion is captured and the survivors are pursued on the way back to Rome.



Casey's Take:  Gladiator (2000) + Financial Meltdown (2008) = Centurion (2010)


Takers

A group of felons get together for one last job . . . . blah blah blah, . . .guns . . . blah, boobies. . . .blah drugs . . .blah . . rap music . . .blah blah . . .Paul Walker looking confused . . .blah twist . ..blah end.


Casey's Take:  Here are the real life felonies for the cast - 

T.I. - Weapons Dealing and Drug Possession
Hayden Christensen - Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III
Matt Dillon - Being "That Racist White Guy" in "Black" movies (see Armored, Crash, etc.)
Idris Elba - Not being Stringer Bell 100% of the time . . and cheating on Beyonce (Obsessed)
Zoe Saldana - Being waay to hot and talented to be in soo many terrible movies (Losers, Takers, etc.)
Steve Harris - Being the successful, semi-abusive, non-Jesus lovin husband in ALL Tyler Perry movies.
Paul Walker - Having a lead foot (Fast and Furious) and a lead brain to match
Chris Brown - Using Rhianna as a punching bag, and not making better music to make up for it.



Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Shameless Plug of the Week

Hey Movie Crew,


Before the weekly update goes out later tonight.  (With reviews of Salt and The Other Guys, to follow this weekend).  


I wanted to alert you to a GREAT deal going on the internet right now.  A company/website called Weekly Cinema is offering fantastic deals on Movie Tickets.





For 15.99/month they email you vouchers for movie tickets up to $14 in value.  I signed up (since I care about the Crew Members so, so, much) risking identity theft and embarrasment for the sake of cheap movie tickets.





To my surprise and delight this darn thing works!  I have attached a video below that explains the process





I was able to take my lady to go see "The Other Guys" for only $13.00, and if I paid full price my tickets would have been $31.  That's a savings of $18!!!


If you see at least one movie a month with a friend or SO, this deal is WORTH it.  It's basically Netflix, but for people who actually like going to the theater.


Check it out! Plus you get a free hi-res trailer for "The American" coming out tomorrow! 


https://secure.weeklycinema.com/index.php?theme=60

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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Opening Friday August 20th, 2010

Alright so I'm in flight so I have like 4 minutes to post this.  Anyways here is what you should be watching this weekend.



Piranha 3D



Casey's Quick Take:  Fish, Babes, Bikini's and Ving Rames.  It's like Pulp Fiction with Bite!  Or not.  This is possibly the worst take ever.

Plus I watching Jersey Shore on Virgin America's TV service so I'm a bit distracted by Awesome.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Opened Friday August 13, 2010






Scott Pilgrim vs. The World


Charming and affable Scott Pilgrim falls for Ramona and has to fight her seven evil ex-boyfriends.





Casey's Take:  A Hipster's Wet Dream






The Expendables

The beefiest action stars from the Regan era team up (finally?) to wreak havoc against some poor 3rd world nation.


Casey's Take:  





Eat, Pray, Love

A pre-menopausal woman takes a vacation and has gelato with a european man . . . . .and sometimes they dance.


Casey's Take: Your Mom's wet dre . . . .er . . . your Mom's 401(k) plans. . . .

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Opened August 6, 2010



The Other Guys


Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are the cops you don't see in the movies . . they're the "Other Guys"



Casey's Take:  Here's the first draft of the script of this movie.

ENT. Police Station

Mark Walhberg

"Hey, how's you mother doing?"

Will Ferrell
"AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrgggghhhh"

[Explosions and falling down]

END


Brotherhood

Two men thrust *wink* together in Neo-Nazi training camp overcome hostility and deepen their mutual admiration for each other until it leads to passion, threatening both of their lives.


Casey's Take #1:  Neo-Nazis and Gays . . .together at last.

Casey's Take #2:  It's like Brokeback Mountain, but y'know with more Nazi's. Guaranteed to win 40 Oscars.




Cairo Time

A woman waits for her detained Husband in Cairo and slips into an affair with a handsome local . . . 


Casey's Take:  Don't worry white women, if a Black Guy doesn't fall for you in your 20s, a middle-aged foreigner will in your 40s.



The Oxford Murders

Frodo applies to Havard and with his strong grasp of logic teams with his professor to solve increasingly complex murders.


Casey's Take: The DaVinci Code without the whole "religion" thing as a plot device . . . so it's probably good.


Lebanon


A depiction of the 1982 war between Israel and Lebanon as told from the perspective of an Israeli Tank Gunner.





Casey's Take:  You will probably be as tense watching this movie as the first time your parents had family movie night watching Dick Tracy and that Madonna scene where she comes out all naked happens.  I still cringe thinking about how Angry my Mom and Dad were at Warren Beatty.



The Concert

A Janitor who is a former Conductor engages on a madcap mission to put his old Orchestra back together to hijack a concert.


Casey's Take:  Don't let the synopsis throw you off, your Mom will LOVE this movie.



The Disappearance of Alice Creed

A woman is kidnapped and held for Ransom until something unexpected happens  . . . 


Casey's Take:  Grippingly Twisty Thriller could also be an allegory for masturbating at your in-laws house over Xmas break.

Also, you might remember Gemma Atherton for her prescient scene in "Quantum of Solace" as the perfect allegory for BP raping the Gulf of Mexico.


If you're confused, she's the Gulf of Mexico, the Bed and floor are the coastline, and the hotel room was paid for by *mostly* Republicans.






Twelve


Rich Boarding School kids from New York get pulled into the world of fake hard drugs and power.





Casey's Take: "Kids" with 50 Cent and a plot.








Step Up 3D


Just like Step Up 1 and 2 with no Channing Tatum and more "In Your Face" dancing.





Casey's Take:  Probably the best movie ever made. .  . 

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Opened July 30, 2010




Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Err . . . the poster should be enough to describe this one.


Casey's Take:  Even your kids will demand your money back after this one.





Charlie St. Cloud

Zac Efron uses his dead brother as a device to practice monologues on picking up girls.



Casey's Take:  Zac Efron did the Taylor Lautner Plan and got buff for a terrible movie



Dinner for Schmucks

Paul Rudd buddies up with Steve Carell to have awkward dinners are fancy people's houses


Casey's Take: Just like Dinner at Mel Gibson's House . . . . Zing!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Opened July 23, 2010


Salt

Evelyn Salt, a top CIA operative, is accused of being a Russian Spy planted in the U.S.



Casey's Take:  This film has about as much depth as its title.

 
Valhalla Rising

A warrior with supernatural strength sails to an unknown land with Vikings.



Casey's Take: Seems like a blood n guts Viking movie, but it is a Nicolas Refn film so expect a lot of hard hitting cultural commentary to go with the gore.  A good film for the "thinking" action buff.


Ramona and Beezus

A movie based on the "Ramona" series written by Beverley Cleary



Casey's Take:  I literally almost fell asleep during the trailer.  "Dear Hollywood,  Please leave my childhood alone, unless Michael Bay decides to blow it up.  Thanks!"

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Thor trailer leaked

It looks pretty awesome! See it here -- Thor Trailer

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sharktopus Trailer

Sharktopus

Robert Evans (who else really?) is a Navy operative who creates a weapon with the head of a shark and the body of an Octopus to defend America . . . .until something goes wrong






Casey's Take:  I guess if I had a Sharktopus the first thing I would do is let it kill as many cute, bikinied babes as possible, and then when I got tired of that I would send the aging Stunt Doubles from Miami Vice to kill it, and when they eventually failed I would hire the cast from the video game Maximum Force to finish the job.

Todd I can't believe you found this . . . .

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Review - Inception (2010)

Inception: Review


I struggled mightily with this review.  Not in a conceptual sense of what I wanted to say, but whether or not I wanted to say anything at all before anyone has seen the movie.  If you need a review that details the plot so that you feel confident in sacrificing $10 and 2 hours of your life please read Roger Ebert’s tome on his response to Inception.  If you, like me, enjoy being surprised and whisked away on mind-bending journeys through thought, while appreciating minute stylistic touches that give you a tingly feeling in your gut, then please continue.


Inception, Christopher Nolan’s original film after wrapping up ‘The Dark Knight’, is like test driving a brand new luxury sports car.  There is a general idea of how it is going to handle, how long you’re going to be driving, and the overall ‘feel’ of the ride.  However once you get behind the wheel and hear the engine come to life, you forget what you were doing and enjoy the hell out of it.  Along the way you notice the feel of the leather on your finger tips, the shine of the chrome on the control knobs, and the tingly feeling in the back of your chest as you push the car as far as you feel comfortable slicing through the air at 90mph.


The film literally starts with a roar and doesn’t let go.  To describe the plot loosely, Leonardo DiCaprio is Dom Cobb, an Extractor (one of the best), who with his partner Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), manipulates dreams in order to “extract” corporate secrets from his targets.  As one could imagine, this job has it’s difficulties within the dream world and without, as Dom’s clients are usually very powerful and very dangerous.  The plot takes a quick turn to a very basic yet paradoxical idea, “If you can steal an idea from a dream, why can’t you infiltrate the mind and leave an idea there?”  


Similar to a Car Salesman using his magic to help you take out a 2nd mortgage so you can purchase your dream car, the movie quickly plants the idea, creates a structure, explains the rules, and from that point forward lets you go.  There is quite a bit of hand-holding with the audience to implant some of the heady ideas that are the focus of the film.  An Ariadne (Ellen Page), a talented young architect that is recruited to help the extractors with their task, is just enough of a familiar yet fresh-faced presence to ask the right questions from the right people for the audience to not feel lost.  Literally the second she asks the final question to close the loop on any doubts about the structure of the world we’re in, we’re pulled onto an empty highway and told to hit the gas as hard as we can.


As the film deftly progresses headlong at 100 mph to the finale, it’s the little touches that stood out to me the most.  The fantastic costume design throughout (everyone’s in a $10,000+ suit), the near constant smolder from Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), Robert’s (Cillian Murphy) insanely large clear blue eyes that convey both a sense of wonder and curiosity driving him forward, and the ability of the cast and crew to effectively introduce set pieces that illustrate heady metaphysical concepts while making your heart burst out your chest and dig your fingernails into hard rubber of the cinema seat. The film rachets up the intensity and emotion for the second half to such a degree that by the time the credits roll you forget that you’ve been clenching like a fighter pilot in a barrel roll, or a car buyer finishing a test drive, so that when the soreness in your legs has subsided a few hours later, after mulling over the minute touches on top everything else you’ve been asked to ingest,  the only thing you can think is, “When can we go again?”


Inception is a film experience like no other this summer and Christopher Nolan is quickly placing himself in that rare canon of directors who have the Midas Touch when it comes to casting, directing, and his personal strong suit, pacing.  His fist-to-fist action is still a touch messy, and the first half of the film might not take hold for some (very, very, few) but outside of those minor complaints (similar to complaining about the height of the rearview mirror, or the locations of the volume knob, to beat this ridiculous car analogy to death), this is the movie to see this summer.


Casey’s Final Take:  Inception = (Michael Clayton + The Matrix) (Ocean’s 11)